Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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