Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
