I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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