Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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