I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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