You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
