I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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