My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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