last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
