he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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