Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
