Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
