Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize