i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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