either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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