The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
