true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
