I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i think i just lost a toe
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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