I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
