Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
