the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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