I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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