The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
