I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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