You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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