if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
