Don't make out with my wife yet
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
