why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
