She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
