I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
