Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
