Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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