she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
