I'm really into asian looking animals
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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