So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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