Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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