I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
