Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I wish there were birth control emojis
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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