i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
