Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
