I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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