Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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