i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have grass duct taped all over my body
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
