I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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