somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
