giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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