I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
