Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
