why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
