So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
