im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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