I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
