You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
