I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
