Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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