he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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