so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
