It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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