it's not cheating when I paid for it
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
