just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
