Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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